I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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