the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
