Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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