She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Randomize
