If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
