Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
