I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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