I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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