My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it was like eating out sand paper
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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