I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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