last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
