i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
