This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
