Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
