I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I intend to get homeless drunk
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
