I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
