Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
