If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just threw up on my dentist
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
