I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
