We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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