He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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