I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
