Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
