why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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