Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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