Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
