Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
