My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm jealous of your bromance
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
