We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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