I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
