Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
