I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
