..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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