Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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