You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
