Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
