I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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