on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
