I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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