she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
