piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
