Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
