I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
