May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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