can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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