This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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