i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
