Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
