census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
