This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
