I can text with my tongue
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
40s are totally the cure
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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