Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
