3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
babies were throwing up all over the place
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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