We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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