Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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