What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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