Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
